For those of you who didn’t know, up until last week, I had not been baptized. I know; very strange for someone who is attending seminary in the fall. I’ve usually gently kept that fact to myself for fear of being misunderstood or judged. Let me tell you here the story of why this is.
I have always been someone who has needed to do things on her own terms, in her own time, and I don’t for a second regret where I am today spiritually, though I may have gotten here through unconventional pathways. As a child, I watched other kids—my friends—get baptized. I was apprehensive to make that decision yet because I knew I didn’t understand the implications. It was a mystical and abstract concept to me at the time. What adults and children alike were describing as baptism sounded so simple and easy, but even then I had a feeling that it was something quite out of my seven-year-old mind’s grasp. It was much bigger than me, and I knew it would take me a while to come to terms with it. Years rolled past as my peers accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, and here I was, still wondering what it was all about, a teenager sitting amongst young children in the pews while the rest of the congregation went forward to receive communion. I heavily felt the responsibility to accept Christ on my weak shoulders, and that was a very lonely place to be; I didn’t know that God comes to us in HIS own time, by his own pleasure, and if God wanted my attention right then, He would have the power to obtain it. To make a long story short, I never got baptized because I never felt ready, and the pressure that accumulated, both external pressures and those of my internal creation, pushed my guarded heart farther away from the decision. But, to reiterate, if I could go back and change my spiritual course, I wouldn’t, because what I have learned and how I have evolved on my intimate journey with Christ is irreplaceable.
Of course, a lot has transpired since those teenage years, but that is a longer story for another time. Now I bring you to last week, February 27th– March 8th of 2018 in India. The week was extremely moving by itself, notwithstanding my baptism at the end. I had visited India when I was a senior in high school, but my experience this time as five years wiser, more mature, and quite different in character, was emotionally and spiritually divergent from the former. My friend and pastor Leena Lavanya, who runs ServeTrust, an NGO (non-government organization) in rural southeast India, is a saint, and I do not say this in a joking or theoretical way. I have never personally met another person who so closely and diligently followed the steps of Jesus Christ, literally clothing the naked, feeding the hungry, healing the sick, giving a home to the homeless, and reaching out to and caring for all others marginalized by society. Everything she does and says is in the name of Jesus. With every move she makes she is following the Holy Spirit. She has submitted her life to God in the fullest way I have ever seen. It is truly incredible to see her at work. That week I was surrounded and overwhelmed by the undeniable presence of the Triune God. There was no escaping it, even if I wanted to. I kept thinking to myself, “how could I ever have doubted the Truth or power of God?”
With regards to making the decision to be baptized, I really wanted to be ready. I wanted to fully know what it meant to follow Jesus Christ before I made that decision. I understood that salvation was ultimately God’s work, not mine, so I wanted to make sure that my acceptance of God knocking at the door of my soul was authentic and not caused or even influenced by worldly pressures or guilt trips. I was waiting for the strong desire in me to do it, and I was waiting for a sign from God. I received both of those that day.
I had not planned to get baptized that day. In fact, it hadn’t even crossed my mind. As we were in the church preparing four young girls from surrounding villages to be baptized, my father completely joked with me and said, “are you ready to go with them?” At first I laughed with him, but then a feeling slowly and delicately swept over me, and over the course of a few minutes my complacency turned to fear, my fear turned to wonder, and my wonder turned to overwhelming joy and excitement.
As the baptismal party walked to the water, another girl who was getting baptized took my hand and held it as we walked together. On the other side of me was a great surprise: I felt the presence of Jesus walking alongside, and enveloping us the great Comforter, the Holy Spirit. I knew then that the time was surely ripe. I walked over to Leena and asked: “Can I be baptized with them?” Five minutes later I was taken into the Indian Ocean by a handful of pastors. As they brought me up out of the water they raised their hands to the heavens and spoke dozens of words of blessing in their language, Telegu. Walking out of the water I felt a peace, calmness, and sureness that I hadn’t felt before. I walked slowly, the weight of burden removed, the hot sun warming my skin, a desire to revel in the here and now. My usual jitters, racing thoughts, and anxiety to speed up the turning world dissipated, and all I could think about was the everlasting God who makes all things new.
I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior in my heart a long time ago, but that day I listened to his still small voice calling out to me, and I opened my mouth to boldly declare that I believed the words he spoke. I believe even when my resolve fails. I believe even when my conjured-up evidence points in the opposite direction. I believe when the world feels cold and desolate. I believe because He has given me the grace to believe.
Something I had to learn as I fretted over the years about my negligence to get baptized is that this Christian pilgrimage does not begin or end when we make the choice to get baptized. God is with us before our first breath and after our last, and his plans transcend any decision that we can make. It is, however, the beginning of our life-long commitment to study, adore, and follow the steps of Jesus Christ. I make no presumption that it will be easy. I don’t claim that I will do it well all of the time (or even most of the time). But as I answered during my baptism: “I will love Jesus until my last breath and forever beyond.”
Here I would like to recognize individuals and groups of people who have made a significant impact on my spiritual development in the past five years: My family and especially my parents, Susan and Chris LeGrand, my youth minister, mentor, and friend Danny Steis, Leena Lavanya, Furman Ukirk and EVM, Passport Camps (and each individual from each team I’ve been a part of!), Yates Baptist Church, Park Avenue Baptist Church, and St. James Episcopal Church.
This world can be a terrifying place. Delving into and dwelling in the recesses of our soul amidst the toils of this world can be a terrifying state; searching for the presence of God in a shattered world a sometimes seemingly impossible endeavor. But it is an endeavor I am called to undertake, an endeavor that God continually gives me the grace and strength to endure: to boldly embark across the unknown and unsure, loving God, self, and others in a world that is so broken. To go against the grain, to take up the revolutionary cross and choose Jesus’ way of love, compassion, mercy, and justice, amidst hate, destruction, inequity, and indifference. To bind ourselves to our brothers and sisters in Christ because God first loved us. To hope further, trust stronger, and love purer with every breath I take. Because it is in this love of God, self, and others that we find unmatched and unending joy.
I leave you with the faithful words of the Nicene Creed:
I believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty,
Maker of Heaven and earth,
Of all that is, seen and unseen.
I believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ,
The only Son of God.
Eternally begotten of the Father.
God from God, Light from Light,
True God from True God,
Begotten, not made, of one being with the Father.
Through him all things were made.
For us and for our salvation he came down from heaven.
By the power of the Holy Spirit
He became incarnate from the Virgin Mary
And was made man.
For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate.
He suffered death and was buried.
On the third day he rose again
In accordance with the scriptures.
He ascended into heaven
and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead,
And his Kingdom will have no end.
I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of Life,
Who proceeds from the Father and the Son
With the Father and the Son He is worshipped and glorified.
He has spoken through the prophets.
I believe in one holy, catholic, and apostolic church.
I acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins.
I look for the resurrection of the dead,
And the life of the world to come.
Amen